Ken, As I read Update 90 it took me right back in time to the period right after Laurie died. I couldn't function! period! These things weren't suppose to happen to people. Children didn't die first, parents did. As we both know and unfortunately many like us, that's not true. Normal is a word that makes no sense at all. You went from 4 to 3! There is nothing normal about that. There is, and always will be, a hole in your heart and your mind and your future. Eventually, with time, the hole will be smaller, the future not so bleak, and the word hope will come back in to your vocabulary. And there is no quick fix or fast forward to get past the hurt. Through the fire is the only way. But I did learn that I wasn't alone, ever, like you have seen, there was always someone there to help, to listen, to support. I watched the TV for a few minutes before work this AM and saw the pictures of Oklahoma City 4 years ago and re-heard the facts that 168 people were totally gone. That so many more were injured, and that many, many people, family members, rescue workers, fire and policmen, had their lives for ever changed. I remember when it happened I cried then and again today as so many joined the ranks we don't want to belong to. They, like us, had no say in the matter. It just happened. They have survived, forever changed as you will be, as we were and are. We do become stronger people, less afraid. The worse thing that could happen, has. When I visted Laurie yesterday, I stopped by Jenny's grave to talk and to pray. I noticed that there is a pretty pink colored stone about the size of a large dinosaur egg there. Is this the one that was taken, or one that was put in it's place? You continue to be in my prayers, all or you. pauline