As the slaughter continues in Kosovo - where so many have been murdered without remorse, I can't escape feeling grateful that Jenny died in the presence and care of decent and loving people. Inasmuch as it was awful to lose her, there was no malice or impropriety involved, and I am therefore relieved of the need or desire to blame anyone.

This week we tapped the Ramsley Family Fund for the first time and as I did so I felt the comfort of knowing that we have this buffer. Eventually some insurance money will come in, and someday I will get back to working full time. But for now, neither seems to be happening. So again, to those who have supported us this way - thank you so very much!

I wish I could feel normal again - but as our therapist says - we are living in an altered state of consciousness where our will to go on is being tested at every point. How can we care about ourselves when Jenny isn't there in all of her familiar places, or when we can smell her in her clothes and see her in her handiwork - but not Jenny herself in all of her "Jennyness"?

In time - he tells us - we will grow through this state. But for now the smallest aspects of life are going to be a huge chore. Everything will take twice as long. Nothing will seem right. Even things like going out to eat will feel more like a task than the enjoyment of life's simple pleasures.

Eventually - I am told - we will grow accustomed to having lost Jenny. And in doing so we will construct a new way of living that works for us. But given my experience to date, it will be years before this adaptation takes full root. Every relationship will have to change. Everything we used to do in life will feel different. Everything we once valued and believed in will have been called into question. A type of normality will come, but it will not be anything like what we once considered normal.